I decided to do this “Free Association” stuff at 12 midnight last night. At first I was hesitating, and I really didn’t have any idea what to say. And then I tried to recall all the things that I did that day. The very first thing that came to mind is my frustration of my Stat subject. I didn’t able to get the last exercise because I missed Miss G’s instruction, and I was blaming myself.
It hit me that I’m always blaming myself whenever I did something that disappoint me, and I’m quite disheartened that until now I still have that kind of disposition. And though my boyfriend had already consoled me about it I’m still very upset.
And then, I found myself cursing because I was so sleepy, and it’s past 12 midnight. I keep on yawning and then I recalled our Philo assignment regarding Truth and Reality, and for a few minutes I tried to differentiate the two. And then, I cursed again for I have nothing to say. And then, I started blabbing again about my Stat frustrations. And then, I came to a point that I was consoling myself.
I told myself that I will make it up next time. And then, I’m out of words again. I found myself yawning and cursing. And then, I was telling myself to be more studious. And then, I found myself talking about my friends and how I miss our bondings and outings. And I was out of words again.
Notes:
This “free association” thing is quite unique yet not lucrative. I mean if you’ll look only at the surface you can easily generalize that it’s like a child’s activity. It seems nonsense talking to yourself while recording it. And it is basically a waste of time for other people who don’t have any idea what it is for.
Anyways, this thing is a sort of a loner-confessionary-instrument. If you got no one to talk to, and you want to release some negative energies, then, I think it can be quite helpful. Talking to myself for the very first time, while aware that I recorded it made me conscious of my words. I dunno, but I’m not used to talking alone with myself. Writing alone is my kind of stuff. And in my point of view, I don’t see any unnaturalness in myself while doing the activity.
On the other hand, after I released all the stuffs that made me anxious that day, I really, really feel comfortable, and it seemed like I became guilt-free. I guess it had to do with the freedom of saying whatever you want without interruptions or opinions from anyone.
The only person who can scientifically analyze the result of this activity is a professional psychologist. Anyways, I tried to listen to my recorded voice, and I find it awkward listening to myself. It’s quite funny, but the activity couldn’t be that helpful to all mortals. It all boils down to honesty and sincerity to oneself. If you’re not serious in doing it, then it’s useless.
~eod~
